Anonymity
by Z. Alexander
Summary: He hated everything about himself, and he expected Axel to feel the same...but he definitely didn't expect to fall in love.


Another oneshot? Crap. I didn't mean to! It just...came out. I sat down to write a letter at my computer, and this came out instead. Gross.

Well, this is not a happy piece. It's kind of hard to follow, but it's not too bad...at least, I don't think so. Hopefully, I'm not just kidding myself.

By the way, my fairy godmother sold my soul for a paintbrush. So even if I'd thought up Kingdom Hearts, I wouldn't own it because I don't own anything except the damn brush. I hate her so bad sometimes. (Duly Disclaimed.)

* * *

They met at _His_ gravestone.

"You knew Demyx?"

"Yeah. How'd you know him?"

"We were together for nearly four years. I don't ever remember him mentioning anyone I haven't met already. Were you friends?"

"Nah, he wouldn't."

"Why not?"

"Well…to be truthful, I hated 'im."

Narrow eyes, a hissing breath. "Then _why _are you _here?"_

"I came to pay my respects, same as you. I owe him my life, you know."

"…And you still hated him, despite that?"

"I…yeah. It's a long story."

"That's stupid."

Bitter, bitter, frown. "Hey, you guessed my middle name. The rest of it's Axel Firaga. What's yours?"

"I'm…Sora…Arpeggio."

Burn.

"But don't expect to get chummy with me. Demyx was probably the best guy I've ever _met."_

**xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Axel was the kind of person Roxas had never understood, but secretly wanted to. He lived life the way Roxas' first friend had – fully, completely, and loudly. Roxas had never wondered if Hayner was in a room; and he always knew if Axel was in the vicinity.

He didn't have to make a sound; he was loud anyway.

He hung out in the bookstore a lot, Roxas noticed. He tried his damnedest not to wonder why, but Axel was undoubtedly the most interesting person he'd met in years.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

The second time they met, it was at a bookstore. _The _bookstore; they'd _just _told him Demyx had left some personal effects behind the music counter, and Axel was looking for the new _Kingdom Hearts _novel. His eye twitched when he saw the title, and Axel saw.

"Not a fan?"

"No…I'm not a fan," he replied. "I actually hate every volume of that damn series. That's the last one, you know."

"I know; it's a damn shame. But really? You _hate _them? I personally think they're brilliant. The author is brilliant. I think I'd be completely tongue-tied if I met him, honestly."

"I doubt it."

"No, really. I feel so inferior sometimes. The writing is amazing; the author has such a grasp on human nature, which makes it impossible _not _to understand, whether you understand the words or not. Or at least…that's how it seems. How should I know? I never understand a thing _I _write."

"You write?" He wasn't curious, really, but he didn't want to hear about those stupid books. He didn't want to hear about that stupid author.

Axel rolled his eyes. "I put pen to paper. But do I _write?" _He snorted. "Hardly. I rather enjoy burning endless copies of the shit I put on paper."

"You, too? I used to-" he stopped, and got a hold on himself. How could he have _laughed _at this stranger's joke? Axel hated Demyx. "I used to know a guy who did that."

"And I thought I was just crazy."

"You are. Now, please excuse me. I have to get some things from the music section."

Axel stepped away. "Whoa, no need to be so hostile, Sora. You really have-"

"You hated Demyx, Axel. You like _Kingdom Hearts. _You write. So far, I don't see _anything_ we have in common."

"We both lost someone we cared about," he replied quietly. "And hell…we both hate me. I think that's enough to go on. I'm not asking for anything except acquaintanceship, because that's all _I _have to give, but…I still wanna know you."

"You…want to know…Sora Arpeggio." It wasn't a question; it was a correction, but Axel didn't know that. Axel _couldn't_ know that.

"Yeah…I do."

He'd always been good at pretending; and maybe the redhead hated Demyx, but it wasn't like they had to be friends. "Fine."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Roxas liked coffee shops, but he generally hated people; so he usually visited the one on Sunset Boulevard. Axel apparently liked to go there, too; and Roxas didn't know why they hadn't before crossed paths, since they were both night-owls. Axel jumped his system so he could write all night; and Roxas jumped his system so he could be too wired to have anything else to do.

It was a legal drug.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"So, Sora…I'm guessing you come here often?"

"Yeah," he replied, sipping his (black) coffee. It was bitter; it was perfect. His throat thanked him, and his brain did too.

"I just moved here two weeks ago, but I come here every day. It's the only coffee shop I've ever seen that's open twenty-four hours a day. I don't know why it isn't more popular."

"It's because the author of _Kingdom Hearts _is rumored to hang out at the one on Market Street. No one's actually ever seen him…or if they have, they didn't know. No one comes here because it's not a 'famous' hangout."

Axel made a face. "That's kind of stupid, isn't it? If I were him, I'd avoid that place like the plague. I mean…_I'm _not shy about meeting people, but since no one's ever _seen _the guy, _he's_ obviously not very comfortable with it. Don't you think?"

He was surprised, to see that Axel had picked up on that. "Yeah…he hates socializing. It's really a waste of time, since he didn't ever expect his _name _to be famous. He was going to change his name, and then…uh…things happened, and he didn't."

Axel gazed at him, calculating, and he shifted under the scrutiny. He didn't like the way Axel's green eyes seemed to take in more than just his appearance…but maybe that was just his paranoia kicking in.

"You know him, then?"

He rolled his eyes. "I see him all the time. But do I _know _him?" He snorted. "Hardly. I don't want to, either. I hate that fucker."

Axel smiled. "Copycat. So _that's _why you hate _Kingdom Hearts? _What'd he do to you, anyway?"

"No, I hate _Kingdom Hearts _because it's sub-par. And I hate _him _because he's a murderer."

"…A _murderer."_

"I hate that fucker."

"Well, I guess that's your right, then. Maybe he really _is _a fucker. I still love his writing; but maybe I _don't _want to meet him, after all."

He snorted into his coffee, and thought that if Axel didn't hate Demyx, they might have been friends.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

The author didn't do book-signings.

The author didn't interact with followers and fans.

The author didn't bother to keep up with the ratings, as he hated his writing. Hated _all _of it. The author always made copies of his work, and burned page after page. The author liked fire almost as much as he liked his partner…which was quite a bit.

_Kingdom Hearts _was the biggest collection of garbage the author could think up, but the public seemed to like it; he wrote page after page, became obsessed; became _manic. _The author was not, in his own opinion, a _writer;_ he felt no pride when he saw his books on the shelves. They lined up in neat rows on the shelves, and people threw parties and waited in long lines when a new one came out; but the only thing the author felt was sadness, because he _knew _he could do better but he was never able to. Everything always came out mediocre.

The author was a failure; and the only thing that kept him going was his partner.

One day, there was a macabre sort of party, with a banquet table and everything. Everyone gawked at the author's partner, before shutting him out with polished wood and heavy stones. They cried, too. The author didn't understand how they could cry, when half of the people at the table didn't even _know _his partner.

The author refused to write again.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Axel reminded Roxas of fire; he was drawn to the redhead like he'd been drawn to the beach for the bonfires. Roxas wasn't sure why Axel was so alluring, though; he wasn't particularly good-looking, though the girls at the bookstore thought otherwise.

Freaks, all of them. Axel could be charming, when he wanted to be, and he had a nice laugh; perhaps that was all it took, to turn their eyes away from his strange hairline and peculiar birthmarks and obnoxious chin.

He was twiggy, but at least he wasn't anorexic; Roxas had seen him put away three large tuna sandwiches and a pear one day at Twilight Café, and still have room for ice cream.

Roxas didn't know why he liked him, because he could see what those giggly girls couldn't. He was obnoxious, and startlingly perceptive in all the wrong situations. He knew how to use people to his advantage, but most of the time he was too lazy to actually do so. He liked to laugh, but there was a sort of emptiness behind his eyes which reflected Roxas' own. He didn't actually _like _anyone…except one person, who technically didn't even exist.

He was everything Roxas never wanted to be.

Then again, maybe that _was _why he liked Axel.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

The hundred and eighty-third time he accidentally ran into Axel, he had to be honest with himself and admit that it wasn't accidental any more. He made tic marks in his useless notebook every time he saw the redhead; that was proof enough.

They weren't friends, though. He wouldn't let himself go that far. They'd known each other for nearly eight months, but they were still strangers; and he preferred it that way. He liked the way Axel would plop down in front of him, grin, and say, "So, Sora…"

He could be the person he wanted to be, around Axel. He could be Sora Arpeggio…even if he wasn't even sure _who _that was yet. This was a camaraderie he'd only shared with one person: Demyx.

There wasn't a hundred and eighty-fourth tic mark.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"You've been avoiding me, Sora."

Blink, turn, shrug. "We're not friends."

"I know. Still doesn't mean we can't hang out. I hang out with someone I hate, every day. He just _won't _leave me _alone."_

"Maybe you should change your name. Dye your hair. Get color contacts. Become someone completely different. They wouldn't find you, then."

Completely uncaring. But then.

"You mean like you did?"

"_What?"_

"Aww, don't be so surprised. You thought I wouldn't notice? I'm not _that _stupid."

"I was surprised that you'd say something like that. Why would I change the color of my eyes? I'm nobody. That's the way it's always been. I was always just nobody, until Demyx came along and made me somebody."

Blink, blink. Frown. "Come with me. I have a story to tell you."

"I don't want to hear it."

"But I want to tell it. After that, you'll never have to see me again, if you don't want. I can't do this any more, _Sora."_

**xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

When Roxas wasn't irritated at Axel for being himself, he was trying to shove away the thought that maybe he loved him.

It didn't matter, though. Axel didn't know he existed; between Roxas and Sora Arpeggio, there was no contest. And Roxas didn't _want _Axel to know him; it might just ruin what little stability he had.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

The view from the clock tower was always amazing; and this time, they caught the sunset. Axel gave him a sea-salt ice cream, and he wondered how he'd known it was his favorite. It wasn't something he ever mentioned, to anyone.

Axel leaned back and took a deep breath. "I was born here. When I was six, we got new neighbors – the Arpeggio family. Demyx was two years older than me, but he still treated me like I was his age and we became best friends. Well, we actually fought _all the time, _but I liked him better than anyone else, including my parents. They were…not very good parents."

He watched Axel breathe. It was a stunning sight, even if Axel himself wasn't so stunning. The sunlight hit him just right, and he couldn't see anything but fire and flashes of green.

He clenched his traitorous fingers, as they started itching for a pencil; and he cursed Axel, just for being Axel.

"When I was fifteen, my dad tried to kill me. He didn't mean to, you know; I'm sure he was the kind of crazy you get committed for, but we didn't have insurance and we weren't wealthy so we never had him checked out. I'm not justifying it; I'm just stating the facts. That day, I realized just how fucked up my family was. I was so sick of it…so that _night, _I set fire to my house."

"Why?"

"It seemed like the best way to go…and it would kill all of us. I couldn't see myself living off someone else's charity, and being pitied and all that shit, so I decided I'd go with them. I was gonna die. But then, Demyx…"

Axel's breath caught. "Demyx barged in there and saved me. He took me to the hospital. My legs are all scarred, but they work just fine…but he _saved _me. And then, they sent me to a foster home in Radiant Garden. They were all right, I guess, but they treated me like some glass doll. I _hated _it. And…I just couldn't forgive Demyx. I didn't want to be saved…he pushed me into the life I tried so hard to avoid. I came back to make things right…but when I finally found him, it was in a two-year-old obituary. The hate came back for a while when I read that he died in a fire. He always got what I wanted…I was jealous."

He looked away, and studied the white stone under his empty hand. "It was my fault he died."

"Why do you say that?"

"Doesn't matter."

"Maybe it does. You can tell me; we're not friends, remember? We're never going to see each other again."

He gazed at the man for a moment, wondering why he wasn't more uncomfortable with the fact that the sentiment made him sad. And then, he shrugged. He had nothing else to lose, anyway.

"He always talked about how he'd go dancing, before we started dating. I mean…he wasn't trying to guilt-trip me or anything; but I always thought I was holding him back from doing the things he really wanted. He turned down a spot in _The Order, _because he didn't want to drag me along. When I found out, I couldn't believe it. And so I told him I wanted to go dancing at the beach, like he used to."

He let out a breath, and counted to nine before speaking again. "I always carried at least three lighters with me. I don't smoke, but I…carried them around for no reason. I watched Demyx dance, but I didn't actually dance with him; instead, I stood by the bonfire and watched and drank, so I could forget about everyone else and take the place the girls had by him. I was…quite drunk…and some brute caught me…he thought I was his ex-girlfriend."

He laughed hollowly. "He was paying attention to my upper body and my left wrist, so with my right hand, I set him on fire. He stumbled by the fire, and he took me with him; Demyx saw, and he ran toward us. I wasn't even in any danger, but he swooped in like some hero and pushed me out of the way. It wasn't the fire that killed him, Axel…it was stab wounds. The guy was furious. Demyx fell _into _the fire, in pain, and all I did was beat the guy up and call the cops. I didn't even stab him back. It was…I killed him. He was the best guy I ever met, and I killed him."

Axel was quiet for a long time, before he spoke. When he did, it was quiet and his tone was strangely raspy. "Is that when you dyed your hair?"

He felt a little better knowing Axel wouldn't try to convince him it wasn't his fault. That was why he didn't talk to Hayner, Pence, and Olette any more; they all tried to convince him. It _was _his fault; he knew that.

"Why do you think I dyed my hair?"

"Honestly, Sora. Who has naturally purplish…grayish…what the hell _is _that color, anyway?"

"They call it 'slate.' And, for your information, it _is _a natural hair color."

"But it isn't _yours."_

After a moment, he sighed. "No. It's not."

Axel smiled. It wasn't a nice smile, but it wasn't a cruel one. It was just sad. "What's your real hair color?"

"Blond."

"Figures. You have good eyes for blond hair."

He rolled his eyes irritably. "My dad had brown hair, but our eyes were similar."

"Had?"

He shrugged, much more comfortable with this story. It was nearly ten years old. "He and my mom died ten years ago, along with my twin sister. I was at summer camp when they caught the Dark Virus; it was when nearly half of Twilight Town was wiped out. They were dead when I got back. I had to wait seven years before I was legal, so I stayed at Somerset Academy full-time. His name was Sora; I was named after him, you know."

Axel shifted. He watched the redhead's face; he seemed to be dithering about something or other, and as amusing as it wasn't, he didn't say anything. Finally, Axel seemed to come to a decision; he put his arm around his shoulders and said, quietly, "So…I know that you're blond. I know that you grew up without parents, that you love Demyx so much you put him on a pedestal, and that you hate yourself. Now…"

He looked up and frowned. "What the hell do you think you're-"

Axel brought his lips to brush his ear with his next words. "All that's left to know is why you hate _Kingdom Hearts, _Roxas Keystone."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

The author had only ever wanted anonymity.

The author wanted the stability he'd thought came with anonymity.

But the author had never been lucky.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Why would you _call _me that? You know I hate that stupid author."

Chuckle, smirk. Stroke. "I know that. I don't, though. I think I actually love him."

Still. "Then…go talk to _him."_

"I am. Give it up, Roxas. The only reason no one else knows is because no one else knows _you._ I may be stupid, but I'm not blind…or deaf."

"Please…I'm not…that's not me."

"Really?"

Pause, pause, _pause. _"You…can't…love Roxas."

"Why not?"

"Because you have no idea who he _is!"_

"Apparently, neither do you. But you still hate him. I love the person I see…and I want to see more."

"No, you don't. He's…you've never met him."

"How would you know…_Sora? _If you're really not him…then how do you know I haven't met him? If you hate him so much, he wouldn't tell you anything. But I have to wonder…how does he feel about me?"

**xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

When Roxas first kissed Axel, it was an accident. There were angry, hateful tears in his eyes, and he pulled Axel down by the front of his shirt to yell at him.

He made the mistake of meeting those acid green eyes, and accidentally kissed him instead.

The second time, though, was on purpose.

* * *

**END**


End file.
